I'm falling apart right in front of you...

 ...can't you see?

Let me introduce you to one of the most beautiful songs I've heard lately, Teddy Swims - Lose Control.

You should check it out first and come back here.

I have been missing from the blogosphere, giving my followers false hope like our politicians, full of beautiful stories and empty promises. It took me a while to get back here, always postponing writing with some new excuse - or simply because I had no energy left for extracurriculars in the past few months. But hey, hello, I'm back for now, how have you been? Has it also been a few decades for you in the last 3-4 months, or is it just me?

There is one particular thing I experienced this year - a week of absolute and full authenticity. I realized right there and then how precious that is, being able to experience first hand and also express myself in every moment, the whole, absolute, raw me. I wasn't being judged, I wasn't offered solutions, I was being listened to and then offered a hug which I barely accepted, although I really wanted and needed it, because I'm not used to accepting help. I'm not used to accepting compliments. I'm not used to accepting myself fully with all my colors. Colors being emotions and colors being the parts of me I used to want to change thinking they are "bad" and therefore that I am bad until I change that about myself.

I am so hard on myself. Or was hard? I don't think that I had many options in life but to work on myself - only other option was suffering. People think highly of me in this regard, but let me remind you - if I weren't so sensitive I wouldn't have done the work. I know I am not everybody's cup of tea as I serve as a constant reminder of all the things in people that they are not ready to face. And then people leave. Or I leave because the alternative is there is no alternative. It has become very clear to me that the people I am surrounded by today are the people who don't mind facing their shadows (using Jung's terminology), therefore, they can also face my shadows and my emotions. Others, unfortunately, fall away. Sometimes I wish things were different but it was a tough cookie for me to learn how to let go of trying to change others.

So let's get back to the week of pure authenticity for me. When I was boarding the plane to go on vacation my only thought was - I want to learn how to be authentic. It may come as a shock to the people who know me but I also wear masks. Hiding my pain, hiding my emotions when it is not safe to express them in the moment. Hiding it all away from myself as well.

So I went to vacation only to find out soon enough that the Greek are experts in being themselves. They express their emotions and put their boundaries in such a direct and shocking manor that it's refreshing to see. From showing joy and happiness for the simplest things in life to showing anger because the rain is falling and they won't have any guests that day, or telling you where the line for the bus is that you're not allowed to cross even though it is only pavement, but it is too close to their imagined space of no-trespassing near the storage hold (they feel very strongly about this). And then showing genuine care for you even though they don't know you, or telling you that they don't care about what is not their problem with a smile on their face. The most shocking thing I witnessed is when I was paying for a something that was less than 10 euros with a 50 euro bill and told the cashier, I hope that's okay - not at all expecting an answer: No, it's not. But then taking the bill and returning the rest. 

I had so much to observe and learn, not to care what others think when I express my exact emotion in that very moment. They taught me how to be me.

I was lucky enough to be surrounded by two very good people with whom I could be exactly that - and not only, but as soon as I started to distance myself in my own mind, one of them immediately noticed and would ask me, hey Daria, you're somewhere else again, do you want to share? I wouldn't share every time, although it was safe to do so, but even when I didn't feel like it I was met with nothing less than: that is okay. I have never seen a man so observant in my life to notice the slightest details in my behavior. I don't think I noticed anyone before caring in that genuine human way where the floor is yours if you wish it. Absolute support and safe space. We were a little group of sharing and we were free to just be and not hide ourselves, not even the dirtiest parts of ourselves, the ones we weren't proud of or the ones we didn't want to face before because it hurt so much to do so. Sometimes I have these feelings that I am ashamed of and have problems facing them because if I admit it to myself (e.g. that I still hurt after so many years and so much work or that I am jealous, that I love money or that I still have problems sometimes looking people in the eye when sharing the rawest parts of myself), basically anything that I perceive to be negative, then I am a failure, I somehow become less than, I am not worthy, I am bad. And not the good kind of bad. But the good news is - that is all a bunch of bullshit. And I can only now attest to that because when you're with the right people, all the emotions feel safe to feel and then, you guessed it right, you start loving all of those human parts and you start loving yourself. So it doesn't matter if you are not for everyone - you are not supposed to be anyway. You're supposed to be you and that should be enough.

So the very last night of our week-long adventure, the conversation about our years growing up started and I fell silent again. I though about my relationship with my mother, especially during my teen years. We fought a lot and it was ugly. We fought a lot this summer as well and it was uglier - because I was finally saying my truth but still didn't know how to regulate the triggers and emotions. At the time of my vacation I still didn't know if she'll have to do kemo or not, so I kept thinking about how if she's about to go soon, that I am so sorry for all the wild emotional reactions and harsh words shared. I wished I could have been better to her. I wished I could've seen the hurt child in her from when she was young and broken-hearted, never fully healed. I wished I didn't just react to her but have had the wisdom to understand that the triggers I felt were screaming about something within me that wanted healing. I wished I wished I wished. 
So when my observant friend asked me about my thoughts on the subject, I couldn't talk. I found no words, I only had tears. The silence was long but not uncomfortable. I felt safe to cry in silence no matter how long. Nobody was talking, nobody was offering solutions. Nobody was probing me to tell them why I was crying, or saying that it'll be okay. The just let me be. After some time, the friend asked me in this specific words: Would a hug help? And again it felt like forever was happening before I could nod in silence. Everything in me screamed that I needed that hug, that I wanted that hug, that I am allowed to have support, not to be alone in my emotions. I was so used to have to go through the pain alone, especially in the past 7 years where I lost so many people I loved, each loss feeling more painful than the previous. I would say I was always there for others, full of understanding (too much for my own good, but this is a story for another day), but didn't know how to receive help and support in return. I felt that if I accepted help, that I somehow failed, especially as I used to struggle with codependency. I was afraid to depend on somebody again, as that meant possibly not having it again when I'll need it or being hurt by the same person sometime in the future. And that is also a big bunch of fresh horseshit. How do I know? 

Well, at the end of the very beautiful night, after a long period of silence and watching the waves and the stars, as many thoughts raced through my mind but I couldn't bring myself to express them, I finally started to calm down and found the first words that I could voice. After that another sentence and another and another. Soon I was having a monologue explaining my history with my mother that later on became a conversation where others started to share their tough memories. And this my friends, is why we can only be truly authentic with the people who don't shy away from emotions. To be able to support another emotionally is to first be able to do that for ourselves. Otherwise we risk stirring up some emotions inside of us that we are not ready to face. 
The ability to give space when needed and create the feeling of safety to share the hardest emotions is an art. It is also a craft as I don't know many (or anyone) who were born knowing how to hold space for others.

On the way home from the beach the mentioned friend thanked me for being so vulnerable and authentic that I was able to share so much, to have had confided in them so openly. I have never, ever been thanked for such a thing, and for being authentic? The main intention of my trip felt fulfilled. I was so proud, happy and truly touched, but at the moment I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to simply say, thank you. I had to admit the next morning that I have problems looking people in the eye when taking a compliment, so I usually divert the attention with some funny remark (do you also have this defense mechanism?:).

So this is the story about how I realized what they say, take nothing less than what you've given. And the story of knowing your worth. And the story that you can really have support anywhere, you just have to be yourself and give the people the chance to stay or leave. More than that, this is the story about my first feelings of having a home within myself. I had it with the parents' house, I had it with another person. To have it in me means I can have it anywhere, anytime.

I wanted to tell this story ever since I got back, for weeks now, but it didn't quite click right. Now I'm writing it because tonight I felt sadness that I honestly didn't expect would happen and the first feeling was: I have learnt nothing, I have failed, I'm back to square one. I honestly though I was okay so why do I feel this way? But then I reached out to some of my support people (not the same ones from the story this time) I feel comfortable enough talking about the particular subject and very soon I was reminded that it is perfectly okay to feel how I feel. I didn't feel safe expressing it in public, on the spot. I felt like running away. But then I stayed, allowing myself not to force conversations, not to force smiles. To just be and when I got away, I let myself feel it all. So yes, the masks still sometimes stay on. No, I haven't perfected the craft. I wish I knew how to tell people, look something triggered me, I do not wish to talk about it, I just need to cry it out right now, I don't feel safe in this environment so I am going home. This blog is my safe second (2nd) for that. I am grateful to be able to do this here, it helps.

So, in the words similar to Teddy's, when I'm falling apart right in front of you, not everyone will see. Some will, some won't, some won't want to see. It can be overwhelming to see, I can understand that. It is all okay, nobody is better than the other.

I am privileged to actually feel seen by some people (more than a few by now) who see me for all that I am, even the most beautiful parts of me that I still sometimes struggle to see myself. And then they tell me this over and over again. 

I would love to live in the world where the masks fall off.

Listen to the song, it is wonderful. 

Hope you get to share your honest emotions and fears with someone today. Share the safe space, the more you do it, the more I have it :) 

Thank you for reading, thus holding the space for me,

Daria