What is love?

Baby you hurt me, but I hurt no more.

First of all, let me just say I really hope Haddaway finds you well on this fine Friday morning! And it's not like I rickrolled you. For now at least, so no promises!

For a song with so little lyrics and so much "Woah-woah-woah-woah" it does make you think, right? The original title of the post was supposed to be: What is love?...and can it be unconditional? But this is so much more efficient in making you sing that song in your head for the rest of the day, even though I changed it a little (do tell me if I succeeded in my cruel intentions - ps, great film! :).

I pose this question to you now, as it has been posed by a divorced woman in her 30s last Saturday after a really interesting therapeutic workshop I attended. And it is a good question indeed. So what is love and can it be unconditional? Is conditional love even love? What is a good way to love? Can we really call it love if we love wrong? What is right, what is wrong (sing along now)? Et cetera.

I stayed after the group disbanded to try and answer the question, or at least have an interesting discussion, as I've been experiencing bits and pieces and getting closer to the answer in my own life, so I thought I might learn more from it. Some would say that only a parent knows unconditional love (I will refer to it as "true love" in further text, it's shorter). While I don't question that a good part of the parents love their kids in such a way that I, as a non-parent, can't even imagine it, I believe that is not true for all. There are others that can't even get close to conditional love, let alone true, even though they created a child somewhere along the way, for whatever reason, or without it. Parents, if we're lucky enough to have 'em good and normal (which is also quite relative), we love them because we know we are stuck with them, no matter how our relationship looks like. It might not be as open or vulnerable, but we love them and wish them well, right? But would you love them if you had the option to choose?

Friendships are another form of relationships where we can show our love and appreciation. I think that the easiest friendships are the ones that will last. Easiest in the manner of - we think alike, we grow alike, we have much mutual understanding, which, in all honesty, is quite rare. I've lost friends in life, and some of those losses really hurt. When I think about it, on rare occasions I feel like I still haven't gotten over some of the friendship break-ups. Some, on the other hand, just drifted away without much thought. Even in our hardest times with our friends, it is always easier to take a break. Friends don't usually share lives in such extension as romantic partners do, therefore, I don't think it's really a right example to showcase true love. 

I've heard a story recently that I really enjoyed. It's one of those heart-warmers that makes you feel like you're drinking a hot beverage under a blanket on a rainy and cold afternoon. There was a family, not much unlike others. One parent was "good and normal", while the other not quite. A drunken bastard they said. A true fuck-up. And then he died. The end. Well, this end brought up a question for his son: if he was that way, you probably didn't have a good relationship with him, right? One would think that to be true, and it was for the most part of their lives. His whole family was suffering until one day, 2-3 years prior to the end, when they simply started accepting him as he is, knowing very well that he won't change. He wouldn't or couldn't, it really is not important. He was finally what he was, and everybody was okay with it. With this, the whole family dynamic started to change, with a simple change of mindset. "I love you and accept who you are, no matter how you are." That is true love in my eyes, and it takes guts. Their inner-family relationships from then on, as the story-teller told me, were better than most people's. Well of course, the "simple" mindset change is anything but simple. If it were that simple, we would all love a little better. We would all be a little better. I believe that when it truly happens, it feels like a simple click, but as most things in life, it is not linear.

Now, I feel like I'm getting warmer to that simple click. I will let myself of the hook and say, it might be a few clicks, that come in like light-bulbs turned on and off, on and off. I would want for it to stay turned on as long as it's possible, however, being in this human form has human feelings attached to it, and all these fear-based emotions that I have been discovering and overcoming, or at least trying to. That's why fear is the opposite of love. Hate is the same as love, just with a negative sign in front of it. It is equally as passionate, and equally has us involved emotionally. Fear, unlike any other emotion, is the leader in listing all the things that could possible go wrong - all the scenarios where we end up hurt. Fear regularly walks us through the mind over and over again, until we believe these stories that ultimately bite us in the ass. We humans, out of fear, are best at self-sabotage (do go listen to the Beastie Boys as well after this 5-min reading intermezzo - it might wash away the 90s German pop from a few minutes ago:).

Sometimes you get it all in a person, they check all the boxes. But how does one feel when they realize the list they made is overrated? The checked list won't make you fall in love, or out of love. The checked list is not the secret ingredient. Is it that through these lessons we learn unconditional love, when we find out that the list loses its value? Because the need for the other to change can feel natural, but in loving someone regardless of the conditions, that brings freedom. I think it is the only way we can truly be free with another and oneself. Everything else is just learned and the freedom lies in the unknown, it is unlearnt. I've just realized how Krishnamurti said it: Freedom from the Known - from the conditions in everything. It makes more sense now. I've been trying to figure it out for the last 4-5 years, and I didn't even know what I was looking for. I believe I'm starting to see the bigger picture of some giant monochrome puzzle for the first time and surprisingly, even though I'm not quite there yet, it somehow feels easier. With this I am very aware that my understanding of it will evolve and change as time goes by, but fortunately, I love that process.

Now, all this doesn't mean a person shouldn't have preferences or boundaries. In fact, it is very necessary to have boundaries and express them clearly. Clearly but lovingly. It is necessary to express needs as well, as we all have them even when we think we don't. We all think they are somehow implied, but they are not - the needs need to be communicated, just in case. And most importantly, it is okay and sometimes necessary to step back and take a breather. Give space, quiet the mind, it is not an act of indifference, it is in fact an act of love and self-love. Love yourself so you can love another well. It is especially helpful when you want to see how the bigger picture gets bigger and evolves. How you evolve. But more than that, mind your health always, mental, physical, emotional. This goes for jobs, friends, family, lovers.

Why is love not enough? Maybe it is not true enough, it can happen for sure. It could also be that the problem doesn't lie in the truth of love, but the strength of the mind. It might just be too strong in feeding all the fears. When it comes to the matters of the heart, the mind is the devil's playground. That's why they say - Listen to Your Heart, and not listen to your mind. You see, all the greatest love songs have cracked it. It really is More Than a Feeling (I'm giving you the best music advices, No Doubt ;). You know that feeling they sing about, the warm, fuzzy, I-can't-help-but-smile feeling. It feels like it comes in through the eyes and continues to the general heart area. When it goes a bit lower, it might be the nervous butterflies, or a bit more down, and it can get confused with lust. But it has a big difference to it - both butterflies and lust pass more quickly and are replaced easier. So when the love remains, you can't just replace it because if you could, well, can we still call it love at this point or is it something less? What is there to do here but just accept it. It really is the easiest solution. Not much is left that matters anymore, it now exists in any way, shape, or form, in peace.

I'm now getting tired and my English is starting to slip (warm regards to my friend and future lector Microslav who thinks: it started to slip 3 posts ago - I appreciate you not correcting my grammar publicly :). Let's finish this:
So what is love? Having the balls to quiet the mind and trump the fear that continues winning? Maybe giving in fully in a way that even hurt does not hurt anymore? Is it sticking with the feeling and accepting it all even when the conditions don't suit you? Sticking is the wrong word, it just is. And it surely brings about peace. Are we really capable of this true, unconditional love?

With that, let me repeat something I've heard a few units-of-time ago from a friend: I choose to love and there is nothing you can do about it.
And I love to love.

Daria

P.S. I also love to dance.