Give me something to break...

 ...just give me something to break.

It's one of those days, or better yet, multiple of those days. They take me back to 2020. We all have our story from 2020, but here is mine.

I started the year on anti-depressives after I had a mental break-down at the end of the previous year. The pills acted as a charger for my depleted battery, and they worked fine. It took a while to get used to them and after a few months I started getting better. I slept better, I ate better, I had enough energy to live my life again. But for me, balance was always the problem. I was either in a state of running from one place to another, trying to YOLO cuz of a very real FOMO, or I was mildly depressed not wanting to do anything or see anyone. Balance is a very fine line my friends, very fine.

Balance was my problem in other aspects in my life as well. Hobbies, work, relationships, I was always all in or not interested at all. I don't know if balance is ever finally achieved or just a state of equilibrium we're striving to be in at all times. Nah, impossible. What's really happening is that we're dancing around that line, sometimes crossing over to the other side and ever so rarely sticking to it for a few more moments of peace. But let me tell you this: it can get better. The more I know myself, I stay on the line longer. It takes practices and patience and sometimes feels like nothing is happening and then one day you wake up and you don't feel the nausea from the up-n-down waves anymore.

I guess some lessons are here to repeat themselves. And I just want to break stuff and it is better than being broken myself.

I knew that December was going to be hectic, it always is. Just as I knew when I got home tonight that this was going to be a long night writing. It always is. And I should really stop using the term always. So how do I know when I'm feeling too distracted nowadays? The nausea, it's real man, it literally makes me sick and it makes me mad. I get mad at myself for feeling all over the place, and then I get more mad because I don't cut myself some slack and I should know better by now. So I run in circles before I vent, and then I vent to someone so I feel a bit better. As I hate venting because I don't like spreading negative energy, there go more circles and I end up running a marathon in my head. I exhaust myself. If I were to keep doing this, I'd end up back in that beginning of 2020.

But let's continue the story as the rest of that year was a blessing in disguise for me. Instead of FOMO I started being acutely aware of YOLO. For me it meant no more running and having the legit time to slow down. My body was seriously protesting with frequent visits to all the different medical specialists. When I keep running something usually knocks me down (I ain't looking for a fight, ok December?). That year was a turning point for me, everything before feels like a different lifetime. I got down to business by cutting business out as much as I could. It was the only time in my life that I had the time to meditate 3 times a day, had the motivation to do yoga every morning and the energy to take online dance lessons in the evenings. I'd walk my dog in empty streets not having to converse with anyone and I’d feel bliss. I would even dance in the streets. The only running I was doing was in the nearby park at evenings. I started hiking which later on became my whole personality. Most importantly, I finally got the courage to admit to myself that I wanted to quit my job. I started looking into what kind of jobs I would be interested in not knowing what that even remotely looked like. Nonetheless, by the beginning of the next year I was offered the perfect job opportunity and I had accepted it. Life was getting better and my doctor was proud. My psychologist as well. And I was proud too.

You know what, I was so happy back then when hanging out was scarce, reduced to all the wonders of online technology in those first months of the lockdown. It felt like I could choose my own company or company of others. It's crazy to think I wouldn’t have a choice in that, even though it feels like I'm relearning that lesson all over again trying to discern what works for me and what doesn't. Who works and who doesn't. Why something works, when as well. As I said, it's a process. 

When all these pent up emotions reside in me and I don't process them, I most likely get triggered by some of my closest people and then I end up acting like a fool. Like an angry shouting fool that feels even more foolish knowing she should know better. The result? Feeling like a horrible daughter, sister or a friend. Not good, very much terrible. 

The point? Don't overwork yourself but work on your shit. And cut yourself some slack, especially on the days when you don't want to wake up (bringing that Fred Durst back). Seriously, life happens and when it happens a bit badly on those days of running all over the place, it will feel even heavier if you don't take care of yourself. And yes, you might know that, but this was a note to me.

Now, I won't reread this note to self tonight as I am in dire need of sleep so grammar, it is a no to you tonight as well.

Don't let the bed bugs bite,

Daria

P.S. funny story: when I was little, I thought it said: "don't let the bad bugs bite". Don't we all love misheard lyrics :)

P.P.S. thank you everyone for the feedback, all the comments and messages you send me. I really do appreciate it and quite enjoy your thoughts!