There's something about the look in your eyes...
...Something I noticed when the light was just right.
It's strange how we can hear a song thousands times, and then one day, over 2 decades after the first listening hear it in a completely new way and feel like we're hearing it for the first time only now. Like a light bulb suddenly switched on and gave the song a totally new and different perspective.
This happened to me today with a very dear song to me, "Echo" by Incubus. I've always loved it but today it transformed me back to me, like I remembered who I was. And after that happened I heard the lyrics for the very first time, although I've known them by heart for over 20 years.
"My biggest fear will be the rescue of me". Yes, my biggest fear resulted in me rescuing myself, again. After I did it once in 2020, it returned this year to teach me the lesson once and for all, so I don't have to repeat it again. It is a very hard lesson to learn so I guess the lyrics "it reminded me twice that I was alive" apply.
I am big on giving people advice on putting the focus on taking care of themselves, their health, their wellbeing, their patterns that cost them in life, but I am very poor at taking that advice myself, it seems. I am very poor at slowing down, so when the shit hits the fan, I don't just slow down, I am forced to stop. If you've talked to me lately, you noticed me being distracted, tired and not being able to keep my focus, other than what is needed for my job and currently that is taking up a lot of my mental energy so none is left for life. I anticipated a busy month knowing I need to slow down, but as I was about to do that, life somehow got even busier. I started forgetting things, like if I switched off the thermostat (sometimes even twice in one day) or what day was my doctor's appointment. My back aches so much these days sending not a very subtle message to stop running about and take a pause, breathe in. Let life untangle itself. Stop trying so hard. Stop forcing, or else.
For those who know me personally, they might know of my tattoos. I got both on the same day, one on the back and one on my left arm and they have the same meaning. The one on my arm is supposed to be an abbreviation and serve as a reminder not to force things. I got it after I realized that I had this very real problem 4 years ago, but it never really reached my mind. I never got the gist of it.
I expect so much of myself, therefore of others as well, but I never learned how to go easy on myself, or others. I guess it's time to learn now, because this modus operandi is not something I can do for the rest of my life, or if I do, it might be too short of a life...
I realized that I put a lot of expectations of myself and of others on my own shoulders, I do that to myself. Not other people, me. Therefore it's my responsibility, and only my own. Life is but a series of choices. Not, for example, that I chose my father dying, but I could and did choose how to go about it later on. To decide to go through the tough to get to the good is a choice. And every time that good turns out to be a most wonderful thing. To just accept what life brings you and be thankful in the process is a great gift, and I am sorry it took me this long to realize it. Like Forest Gump said, "Life is a like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." It brings all kind of flavors but they are still all chocolates in the end. "Pain au chocolat" (chocolate sweet roll), yeah?
So my new mantra is: don't expect. I can't get disappointed if I don't expect. I just get what I get and choose how to go about it. I tell this to myself and then I go about the day and start expecting automatically. So I constantly keep reminding myself of that each time: don't expect, hey you're doing it again, just stop without one more thought. It's hard cuz it takes work and dedication, but I know the sweet stuff is ahead. Looks like a new tattoo is on the rise. My Mom will not be happy :)
I am taking a vacation my friends, cuz I can plan the future all I want but it won't matter if I don't get to it alive.
"Could you show me, dear, something I've not seen? Something infinitely interesting." sings Brandon Boyd. With this I thank the last person who's presence in my life helped me see beneath the surface. I just needed to dive in first, but this time in the right way. It really is the greatest gift I go on with.
Thank you,
Daria.
P.S. I will leave ya'all the lyrics to the song here if you're interested in it, but I fully recommend listening to it as well, as it's next kind of wonderful.
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