Well, things change fast...

...but this too shall pass

Let's start with the lyrics this time:

"Things change fast 
But this too shall pass
Better carve it on your forehead
Or tattoo it on your ass
Cause who can tell
When the clock strikes twelve
If today's become tomorrow
Or if it's all just gone to hell

My friend makes rings
She swirls and sings
She's a mystic in the sense
That she's still mystified by things
But scared to ask
How can nothing seem to last
Cause like a cancer in your body
It all just goes too fast

We think too big
We think our self is one whole thing
And we claim that this collection
Has a name and is a being
But deep inside
When every cell divides
Well, it sets upon the rule that states
Self-interest is divine

Cancer, too
Lives by this golden rule
That you must do unto the others
As the others unto you
All for the best
Cause that's all the life accepts
And so we kill it like a buffalo
With awe and with respect

Don't ask God
Just holler at the sky
She'll tell it to you plainly
In the clouds that whisper by
And praise the shapes
And then praise the way they change
And they'll teach you not to pray to light
Without you pray to rain

So I pray to hands
And I pray to needs
And I pray to blades of grass
To find forgiveness in the weeds
But as for health
I just never did believe
And so I never prayed myself
Except to those that prayed for me

The story goes
Or the way that I was told
There was a king that always felt too high
And then he fell too low
And so he called
All the wise men to the hall
And he begged them for a gift
To end the rises and the falls

And here's the thing
They came back with a ring
It was simple and was plainly
Unbefitting of a king
Engraved in black
Well, it had no front or back
But there were words around the band that said
Just know: This Too Shall Pass"

I used to think I'm on my second life, as at one point everything turned upside-down. I can no longer remember who I was 5 years ago. Better yet, I don't remember how I used to be. I think I was less complicated, or perhaps my mind was. Maybe that's not even true, maybe I just didn't care about how I used to be me. Do you care about how you are? Now I'm on my n-th life, I stopped counting the Daria versions, 3.0, 4.0? They all had bugs, and this one ain't no exception. And you my people, you're my QA.

I'm an engineer so I will imaginarily draw you a graph with time on x-axis and self-knowledge/self-reflection/mind-complication on y-axis. The graph would, for the past five years, grow exponentially, and every 6 months or so the slope would rise, leaving my mind spinning more and more. After a while this time period of half a year would decrease and split, leaving me double confused in half the time. The graph, however, would never reach the vertical axis, as we all know the ultimate knowledge is never actually attainable, except maybe when we die. Maybe. So this asymptote continues growing leaving me in ever-lasting questions of Who am I? I understand myself one day and then the next something new arises. It might be a challenge to understand myself logically, to understand my mind, but I don't think it's a challenge for me to understand the underlying lining of my heart and soul. 

A couple of days ago we would've celebrated my dad's 66th birthday. He was the kind of a person that was hard not to love. The kind that sang wholeheartedly in spite of being tone-deaf and danced for hours with his 2 left feet. The kind that would get invited to all the parties. The kind that celebrated his 60th birthday with 60 people just weeks after a cancer-removal operation. The kind that taught me how to play cards (or tried to teach me the unwritten rules of bela with little success :) as well as the most important life lesson about most things in life being of no or little importance. You see, I was always kind of a fast driver and a bit of a car-scratcher. I remember when I would scratch a car in my 20s, I'd always fear a yelling from my parents until one day, just months before his passing, my dad replied, it's just a car, it doesn't matter, who cares. I was 30 at the time. I continued being a car-scratcher, some things may never change after all :) Who cares is right, about most things that we deem so important and get so mad when something goes wrong. What difference does it make? The stuff that people's hearts are made of, those are the things worth the discussion. That's why I dance like nobody's looking and sing like that one-guy-with-perfect-peach doesn't hear my wrong notes (he knows who he is :). 

My dad, in his death, also taught me that life is way too short to die an unhappy person. The job I hated, the wrong relationship, to let it go I had to change and it ain't easy to be brave. What is right, what is wrong (let's sing this again:), do we depend upon our heart or our mind? Maybe take both in account? I am the person that follows her heart to obtain my bliss. When it looks like I'm listening to my mind rather than my heart, it's only because it comes from a place of self-love. Or fear, yeah, I used to be too afraid to leave a job or a long-term relationship or not be there for someone when I didn't have the capacity. And then I'd be unhappy which is good cuz if I hadn't been unhappy, I wouldn't have found the happy after. Even though the happy after was followed by unhappy after that again, then happy, unhappy, happy and so it goes...it doesn't matter because that's the story of the ring. I hope I'll be lucky enough, and by then, wise enough to die a happy person when the time comes. I sometimes ask myself a question, If I were to die tonight, what would I do differently and where would I want to die, who would I like to die next to, to die happy. I don't do this to torture myself, as a friend once thought, but to have "No ragrets" (if you know, you know :) and to make my life more abundant. Simply put, to know I'm following my heart for my own greater good. So go ahead and ask yourself, if you were to die tonight, what would you regret not doing, not learning? What is that one thing that you always wanted to try or do but never really had the balls to? What is that one conversation that you kept postponing, who's that friend you always planned to visit but never did, who's that one person you said you'd never forgive? Who's that "I'm glad you exist in this world" person and do they know that? Do you know you can save a life?

There is something a friend recently said which I think of quite often: Most of the days I feel down, but when I finally have that one good day, I just want to hug everybody and tell them how much I love them. I feel like 2023 for many was just that. But things change fast, what was down will go up, and then all over again. And for me, things change for the better mostly when I find myself all over again. This would mean it is okay to be lost sometimes, my dear friends. All the feelings are welcome, the cold has its purpose. It's neither good nor bad, the pain. It's a teacher.

I think we'll all agree that this is not the greatest post in the world, this is just a tribute:) My friends, my dear sad and tired friends, my heart would not be so warm if it weren't for all of you. You make me love you each day even when you don't see it, even when I don't see you, even if I won't ever see you again. Because of you I know my heart. My dear happy and joyful friends, my soul would not sing so loud without your laughter. I will forever store smiles and laughs in my memory so I can pull them out and use them in times of need. Because of you I know your hearts. My dear friends who hold the space for me, for all that I need to go through to know myself better, you make me grow. Because of you I know my soul better, and not because of my lone existence. I am forever grateful for all the mirrors you provide me with. 

Because of all of you I know both sides of my medal and it took me a while, but I've learned to love the dark side of it as well. I care a lot, in general, but that is a double-edged sword. Can't have the good without the bad. Can't have the best without the worst. Can't have features without the bugs. I have it all, and so do you. But you see, the best and the worst in us shall also change in time. And it all does go too fast.

Happy New year folks, make it count. Be brave, be creative. Do things that scare you, explore. Like Ethan Hawke said (watch his 10 min TED talk, if you haven't already), create a dialog, find out who you are within it. Find out who the other side is. Admit your wrongs, work out your fears. Know yourself. Trust in yourself. Celebrate small victories. To be spiritual is to know your own spirit first and foremost. Leave out everything else from the definition for now. We could go far kids! 

If life is a joke and death is the punchline, let's at least enjoy it and laugh along.

For all my depressed friends, and all the others as well,

Daria