There was a time...

 ... I used to look into my father's eyes.

But I can't anymore.

Today marks 5 years of my Dad's death anniversary. I look back now to see how much the world changed, and more importantly, how much I changed.

I couldn't bring myself to write another blog post in 3 months, even though I kept telling my dear friend, who is my biggest blog-fan, that I would. He and I had a conversation on a topic I really wanted to write about, sometime in February, but I couldn't really figure it out until today, well, tonight all clicked. All the events from the past 3 months connected in my mind, and here we go.

Two weeks ago a guy jumped from our office building. The miracle of it was that he didn't fall on anyone, as it was lunch time and many people were coming in and out of the building. He jump right next to the entrance. I was sitting 30 meters away with my colleagues and we were just about to return to the office, when another colleague warned us of what had happened just a few minutes before and to go back in the building through the garage. The guy was apparently a person that tried to kill himself 5-6 times before. I get it, I know the felling. I don't blame him. I know how it feels not to want to exist on this planet anymore.

I think that we've been talking collectively about mental help for many years now and all together made huge progress. At least, considering to what was before. My Mom never understood how so many of my peers seek the help of a psychotherapist. She never went to one, although she went through huge losses and many years of pain and emotional exhaustion throughout her life. She said to me on one occasion, that's not my way of coping, I've had my way of processing grief and it worked out fine so far. But has it really? In the years that followed my father's death, she fell ill to a rare lung cancer that her doctor specifically said it's the type people get from emotional stress. So, she fell ill due to all the heartbreak and sadness. Emotions have a way of stressing out our cells, on the biological level. They store themselves waiting for a trigger. They don't just disappear. They own us, if we don't own them.

Let's get back to my story though. I've written about my depression before and it made huge effect on the online presence, as far as I could tell. When I write, I write for myself. It's hugely freeing to be able to express myself this way. People have called me brave for this, but actually, all of them (all of you) make me feel supported and seen. And if I have never done this before, I would like to thank you all because it means so much to me. 

The title of this blog-post was supposed to be: What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and does it really? A friend of mine, she doesn't believe so. I do, but just because it happened once that I went through a certain something, doesn't mean that it can't happen again. My last year was like this, again. And it can be discouraging, because if it happens again, after all the self-work and healing I already went through before, then the question is why does it happen again, and will it forever be like this? To feel the emotions of utter darkness and deep pain is, and forever will be, a hard path to walk. The difference is that I knew that already, how it looks like and that it can and will pass. If I beat it once, I can do it again and it won't last forever, no matter how it feels like in the moment. I didn't talk about this to my family, I didn't want to concern them. I knew I was gonna get to the other side, eventually. My closest friends had a slight idea, but I mostly kept it to myself, after all, it was my path to follow. 

I was always quite sensitive. There was a time in my life that I really hated that because emotions would control my life. I feel deeply, and this is at the same time wonderful, but also quite a mouthful to handle. I would blame myself for not being stable enough and not being more like others that didn't seem to be phased by life so much. Five years ago changed my life because I lost the person I could always go to, who just got me. And it took me this much time and quite a lot of pain to try to understand myself better. My biggest motive was that I didn't want to be so unstable in my emotions because I wanted to have a better life, be happier and find life easier to live. I did it all for myself. It took guts to admit that I was doing something wrong knowing I would face a lot of past trauma and that it was a long way to go. It still is, it's still going. It might forever, I don't know. But it won't always be as intense as the past 5 years, and certainly, it won't always be as intense as the last year. 

It is very hard to go through the events of the past that we'd rather forget and never think about. I was thinking about this as my physiotherapist was doing a treatment of the scar I have on my leg. It was an anxious process because it took me back to the event and all the feelings that I buried deep under. I remember actively doing this as a teenager, whenever I'd clearly remember the ski accident, I'd cut myself off from remembering it and feeling it all over again. In time the memory faded, I pushed it away. My whole life I wouldn't let anyone touch my scar as it would bring me unpleasant feelings that I felt as I was bleeding out on the snowy slope. So does it make sense that people don't want to go through their own traumas and relive it all over again? Yes. And does it make sense that many people are reluctant to psychotherapy? Yes. It does make sense. It's very hard to start. And then if you do, all of the sudden your life changes and you can't believe who you were before. 

In the past year I've noticed many of my fears and patterns show up that I thought I had already resolved, but mostly I wasn't even aware of them. I tried to get to the bottom of things because these would repeat in my life, costing me dearly. I have no idea where the amount resolved so far is on the scale from 1% to 100%, but one thing's for sure, as long as I live, there will be things to learn and uncover. But I can also tell you that I look forward to the next phase of my life when it will be more relaxed, and I will be basking in the rewards of tough life lessons. Feels like it’s already starting.

One of the things I uncovered with the death of my father was how dependent I was on him, and on whoever would follow. Quite frankly, I don't know why this was. Maybe I was raised that way, a bit overprotected, maybe it's the fact that my ego was so fearful of so many things that it was so much easier being a part of other people's lives, than living my own. Maybe it's something else, probably it's a mixture of it all. I always felt like I'm not living enough of my own life. I was so afraid to start, like I have a block inside of me. Ego's role is to protect from everything that feels unsafe, and this felt so unsafe. Ego doesn't really know when the danger is over, which is why so many of us are unaware of our self-sabotaging patterns, and also why some people after hard heartbreak can't seem to fully open up to love again, it just feels too unsafe, even if it was many years ago (I know, I was one of them). I've had unresolved traumas like many others, but especially from my teenage years, and some still remain that way. I'm not ready to face them all, and I can clearly see how it affects my life. I see when I don't feel safe and the feeling of unease takes over me. But being aware is the first step. All the rest in good time. In the end, this whole painful many-year process resulted in me figuring out and finally being ready to chase my dreams, in spite of the ego's fears. Like that hold on my life is expiring. It's high time to active myself, and this blog is a small part of it.

One of the most valuable lessons that I learned recently is that I am the one who knows best for myself. Even if other people disagree. If it is my life, and my dreams, I am the one to learn from it, I am the one to experience it, and in the end, I am the one to learn the discernment for myself. I listened to other people's opinions when I shouldn't have, I let them change my mind. I depended too much on others, thinking they know better. But they don't, because nobody can walk your path except you. Nobody can experience life, love and pain instead of you or for you. So use your own head and your own heart to go for the things in life you truly want and find valuable. Balance the mind and the heart, it is not about one or the other. Have the courage for this because even if you fail, you will gain from it, it will make you stronger, wiser and more experienced. Don't get fooled into thinking it's not possible, the best visionaries in the world always seemed a little crazy in the eyes of the public.

I know I won't ever give up, it's not in my nature. No matter how many depressions I experience. No matter how much I get hurt and no matter what other people say. I stay, with myself and with my loved ones, through thick and thin. Because life is nothing if not thick AND thin. Not the one or the other. I stay through it all. But I also understand that not all are like this, that not all can stay. Whether on this planet or in our lives. 

I've recently heard that healing is a process that we go through that we can later share with others so they can go through their own healing. I love this definition. This is how we act locally and love globally. 

I hope life makes you stronger and softer. With this, I log off.

Love,

Daria

P.S. the song from the title is Don't You Worry Child from Swedish House Mafia, if you want to google the lyrics. They are very apt.