Shame shame shame, hey shame on you...

 ...if you can't be true.

Now, I wouldn't ever shame anyone if they couldn’t dance, like the original lyrics suggest. I hope I wouldn't ever shame anyone, period. However, I believe we sometimes unintentionally make others feel bad about themselves, or we just feel shame even if we've done nothing wrong. We might even feel most ashamed when we've been wronged.

Two days ago I had an eye accident and afterwards I felt self-conscious about looking people in the eye while talking, or even just passing by, because the eye is flawed and bloody and not a really pretty sight. When I realized that, which was the next day at the eye doctor's office (how crazy is that?), I started asking myself where do I drag this shame from and how deep does it go? Can I just decide not to feel ashamed and then it would all go away or do I need to find the root cause? 

I dunno. I don't feel like endless conversations about it right now are the way to go, but perhaps some self-reflection on virtual paper and admitting my feelings publicly can help. Or it might make everything worse, I don't know, let's see :)

I've always been spiritual. Even in the years of teen-angst and rebellion, being proud to be an atheist and making fun of all things religious, a part of me was still hoping to see it in a bigger, more magical way. It is true people become more spiritual when they lose somebody very dear to them, I've seen it before with my friends and then I couldn't understand it. When I lost someone very dear to me, I understood without thinking. I think that makes logical sense to anyone, when you don't want to accept the end, you start looking for whatever may be laying beyond. It is not something you plan or think about much, it just happens. But this wasn't when I started believing in something more, this was when I was propelled deeper into it. By that time I've already dabbled in the alternative as they say (who is they?:), supported by my Catholic father and my atheist mother. Not many people have this kind of support in their life and the older I am, the more grateful I feel to have been born in such a supportive environment that lets you explore your own beliefs and is not judgmental about it.

Why am I writing about this, well, I've just had a conversation with a friend about my belief system. He sent me an article about pseudo-spirituality and how brands sell this to people who are looking for the meaning of Life, the Universe and you know, Everything :) And I agree, there is plenty of that out there. This is why we are born with an internal compass, the gut feeling, that helps us discern for ourselves what is in alignment with us, what we resonate with to be the truth. Unfortunately, people lost the ability to trust themselves due to all the noise from the outside. I personally steer away from prostitution of spirituality and "spiritual" masses that I often find chaotic and would rather use the term "lost", but that's okay too because we're all a little lost sometimes (as a dear friend told me many many years ago) and after being lost we can find ourselves again, and maybe even go deeper than the last time. I have spent most of my life hiding this side of me, such an intrinsic part of me that without it, I wouldn't be me. It is a part of me the same as my brain is, the same as my heart is. It makes up my core. I don't think many people realize that. I don't think a lot of people think about why I am the way I am today, they sometimes just paint me as a "good person", a decent blogger ( I hope :D ) and sometimes a funny dad-joke and pun lover, but for the most part they can't believe how such an intelligent person can believe all this mumbo-jumbo. So I used to hide this, I hid it from closest friends because each time I would come out of the spiritual closet I would end up being laughed at and this part of me would be rejected, and all this from the people I loved and who I believed cared for me as well. Don't come at me now, if they don't love you for all that you are, they are not your friends, I get that, true dat, okay? And I believe some of them also got that and today feel different cuz they've grown and evolved. And others, well that's okay, today I am okay being all that I am without feeling ashamed.

I will never ever try to convince another to believe what I believe, I won't argue in those senseless conversations. I think this is not something that can ever come from the outside. I don't believe it can be true if it is imposed by another, or a doctrine, but rather a thing that sparks and grows from within, when you're free enough to explore it in your own way and discover bit by bit, sometimes winning, sometimes failing. This is why many people don't paint me as a spiritual person when they meet me for the first time. I don't fit the bill from the societal point of view and my education and my job don't either. I won't try to start up alterative spiritual conversations with people who don't share those beliefs. But if you engage in a conversation with me, I will probably mention something spiritual-like sooner or later. Not to influence you or to change your mind, but because this is a part of my life and my beliefs and if you ask me a question in a regular conversation, I won't lie or try to give an ambiguous answer. I won't try to word it so that it may sound non-spiritual in fear of being rejected. I won't lie and tell you I don't believe in this or that just so that you would still find me intelligent. I am who I am (Dido in my head again:), and you can like that or not, but if you can't get over the fact that our opinions might differ in the beliefs department, it is also okay to say we're not a good match to hang out. "Respect differences" is not just a bumper-sticker on a corporate virtual window for me.

In Croatian language we have two words for spirituality: "spiritualizam" and "duhovnost". I am not a Croatian-major but I've been differencing the two: the first one meaning "to believe in some higher power" and the second one "to develop your own spirit, not necessarily believing in something more" (cro. "duh" = eng. "spirit"). When I say develop your own spirit, I basically mean being self-reflective and growing as a person, continually evolving in order to know yourself better. If we don't know ourselves, we won't be able to discern who/what is good for us (and what's not).

I have been saying my whole life I'm the biggest sceptic in search for magic in the world and will try it in as many ways as possible (but not just anything without discernment). It is fun, it is exciting and it takes me places I never dared to dream could be possible. It also makes me feel safer to be myself more and more each day. I am very happy to have many surrounding me today that are open-minded, spiritual or not. My dearest people believe in: if it works for you, I support you. I thank you my peeps, once again, and I'm not just saying that. I am very lucky. On the other, I’ve worked hard for it so maybe luck has nothing to do with it (does it matter, does it not matter?), however, I still feel blessed to have come so far and to have y’all.

I guess I sound a bit defensive up here and that might be the case. I am that way sometimes with the things that are most sacred to me. I am like that when it comes to my friends as well, but also strangers when I hear on the streets something like: "If I were your husband, I would kill you", like I heard the other day and didn't stay quiet. And quite honestly, I had no idea that this post would go in this direction because there is a more serious topic based on "shame" that I wanted to discuss. But it doesn't fit this post anymore so it will have to be continued. Topic of shame, part two, not having to do anything with spiritualism but real life situations which left me feeling ashamed like nothing before in my life.

So folks, stay tuned, if you wish!
Daria