You’ll never see me fall apart…

…in the words of a broken heart.

I guess most people have that one relationship in their life that is just hard. And I believe for most people it is the relationship with their mother. On the other hand, I've heard people say that we attract (maybe better to say focus on) the things in life that are similar to our own situation/frequency, so it might just be me. And my mom, she doesn't fall apart.

I'm not sure if I know a person whose heart hasn't been broken at least once (and I know a lot of people). If you are that rare specimen that still hasn't ever lost anyone, or no one ever betrayed your trust, abandoned you or hurt you in one way or the other, I'm not sure this post will resonate. I will be talking about a trauma of loving very deeply and loosing, painting that feeling with pain completely. It goes as deep as the love did. As the love does. 

In this one I don't want to put the focus on me. I've been training for years to release myself from victim mentality even in times when life kept throwing me lemons (hey, free lemons!). I want to talk about how unresolved trauma silently destroys relationships. Who would want to love so deeply again, after that horrible loss? 

I really wish I had known my mother when she was young. She keeps telling me these stories about how she used to wear my Grandad's old plaid shirts and go to pubs. She's told me stories about her crazy nights out, about the parties and the alcohol. No, that can't possibly be my mother. My mom is always dressed up, fancy, loves bags and shoes and drinks only one or two glasses of sweet wine. But before that, my mom used to live through expressing herself with what she really was. Until she didn't. A trauma that happened to her when she was young left her wearing her scars deep on the inside, not showing it ever. 

She rarely talks about her mother, my grandmother, even though she says their relationship was very close. I really wonder what that is like. My family has always been close in terms of having each other’s back, having fun together, taking care of each other and having Sunday lunches. We do truly love each other, but we never talk about emotions, which for me, a person who feels ("too") much doesn't really work. I'm not really a person of small talk. I can't really hold up a conversation where there is a lot of surface stuff and not enough depth. It feels irrelevant. It feels fake.

My mom and I were at one point closer than ever. That was when I ended up in a mental institution. We opened up to each other a few times about our hurts after the loss of my Dad. I remember feeling like I finally could connect to her and we weren't alone in those moments. Because we all suffer sometimes, but it is easier to go through it together. I don't know how those moments happened, but I am grateful they did. They are a proof that we can perhaps be close again someday. She says she's always there for me and my sister, but trust and vulnerability don't go that way. They are a two-way street and if one side isn't opened, the road is closed. I have quite a lot of emotionally vulnerable relationships in my life where I provide the trust to the other and where I also feel free to express myself. This one isn't one of them, and this sometimes breaks my heart.

So I guess I won't ever see my mom fall apart because she keeps it all in. There's all that emotion kept inside making her illness more ill. And I can talk to a person all I want about the importance of expressing emotions, truly, freely, but if the person is not ready to dive deep into it, through all the pain and heartbreak, it's all for nothing. So I'm practicing the act of non-doing. I can't really say I'm good at it at this point. My mom triggers me like hell and because of this I know there is also a lot in me that needs healing. I also have problems being emotional with her, I don't feel comfortable and I'm not happy with it. I sometimes wonder if this is because of the trauma of abandonment in her or in me, but to be on the safe side, it's on both of us.

We will all die sooner or later. I stopped being worried about when this will happen and started focusing on working on the most important relationships in my life that I spent my whole life avoiding. Before she goes, I would really love to have smooth(er) communication with her, more understanding on both sides and emotional openness. But the older people get, the harder it is for them to change. I don't often see people in over their 40s get out of their comfort zone, healing their traumas and changing for their own benefit. The more we live, the more we love, the more the loss, pain and suffering. The more we shut ourselves out. The harder it is when we finally decide to do something about it. We can all pretend, but it takes guts to put a stop to it. It's not a failure to ask for help, it is courageous. It's not a failure to show emotions, it's very hard, therefore it is also courageous. Every and each person is capable of it, but every and each person also has the choice to do it or not. Whatever you choose, take the responsibility for your choices. And the consequences. 

You might think "I know this is hindering me, but I have my own ways of doing stuff, I've been doing it my whole life". It really is insane to keep doing the same things, repeating the same stories and thinking "I shouldn't change any of the variables". Ask yourselves: What have I got to show for it? Am I happy? Is this all that life offers? Can it all be different, better, easier? Can I help myself and therefore others? 
I mean, can you do that? Could you do that? If each person did a little bit and not always put the blame on the other, I really wonder how life would be.

My mom drives me absolutely crazy and nevertheless, I love my mom. I don't expect her to change on her own, or maybe at all. What I can do is work on myself so that the triggers don't trigger me anymore, so I have more compassion. Maybe it puts a little magic in our relationship. Maybe we can start enjoying our time together again. The only thing I know is I have to at least try. I don't want to wake up one day wishing I had more time with her, regretting not doing better while I still had the chance. Like the song suggests, maybe I can cry my own river that leads to her ocean, even when it is very well hidden.

Live your life without regrets. Don't self-sabotage. Be honest. Express yourself. Face pain, loss and rejection. Put yourself out there. Because you can overcome it all but you can't bring back the time. Don't have regrets. Don't. Be brave for your own sake and the sake of everyone around you. Be their little light that shines on. One light can light another. Trust that digging deep is worth it. Believe in yourself, I do.

I often feel too much, yet sometimes still not enough,

Daria

P.S. The song is Emotion by Destiny's Child