Love locally, act globally

...u manje od 10 dana. Ovo će biti jedan vrlo ranjiv post i to na hrvatskom jeziku. Već me pola godine vuče da pišem na hrvatskom jer na njemu mogu biti još više svoja. S druge strane već me pola godine uopće ne vuče da pišem. Manjak inspiracije? Definitivno ne manjak događanja i unutarnjih i vanjskih previranja. Sigurno ste gledali ili barem čuli za Film kako izgubiti frajera u 10 dana. U njemu ona nešto želi njega odbiti od sebe, on je nešto uvjeren da u 10 dana nju može navesti da se zaljubi u njega. Kad malo bolje razmislim, dosta dobra metafora za moj dosadašnji ljubavni život. On je nešto na početku ultra zaljubljen i za nju, zbog nje, on učinio bi sve, dao bi joj i sredinu palačinke jer je ona tako super. Onda se ona zaljubi preko ušiju i onda on skuži da ne mora više toliko davati jer je ona već zakačena, a ona - ona brate ne zna sebe voljeti pa će se davati još više i više i više dok se ne razboli i ne izgori, jer ona razumije. Ona sve razumije, razumije sebe, razumij...

 ...can't you see? Let me introduce you to one of the most beautiful songs I've heard lately, Teddy Swims - Lose Control. You should check it out first and come back here. I have been missing from the blogosphere, giving my followers false hope like our politicians, full of beautiful stories and empty promises. It took me a while to get back here, always postponing writing with some new excuse - or simply because I had no energy left for extracurriculars in the past few months. But hey, hello, I'm back for now, how have you been? Has it also been a few decades for you in the last 3-4 months, or is it just me? There is one particular thing I experienced this year - a week of absolute and full authenticity. I realized right there and then how precious that is, being able to experience first hand and also express myself in every moment, the whole, absolute, raw me. I wasn't being judged, I wasn't offered solutions, I was being listened to and then offered a hug which ...

…in the words of a broken heart. I guess most people have that one relationship in their life that is just hard. And I believe for most people it is the relationship with their mother. On the other hand, I've heard people say that we attract (maybe better to say focus on) the things in life that are similar to our own situation/frequency, so it might just be me. And my mom, she doesn't fall apart. I'm not sure if I know a person whose heart hasn't been broken at least once (and I know a lot of people). If you are that rare specimen that still hasn't ever lost anyone, or no one ever betrayed your trust, abandoned you or hurt you in one way or the other, I'm not sure this post will resonate. I will be talking about a trauma of loving very deeply and loosing, painting that feeling with pain completely. It goes as deep as the love did. As the love does.  In this one I don't want to put the focus on me. I've been training for years to release myself from vict...

 ...if you can't be true. Now, I wouldn't ever shame anyone if they couldn’t dance, like the original lyrics suggest. I hope I wouldn't ever shame anyone, period. However, I believe we sometimes unintentionally make others feel bad about themselves, or we just feel shame even if we've done nothing wrong. We might even feel most ashamed when we've been wronged. Two days ago I had an eye accident and afterwards I felt self-conscious about looking people in the eye while talking, or even just passing by, because the eye is flawed and bloody and not a really pretty sight. When I realized that, which was the next day at the eye doctor's office (how crazy is that?), I started asking myself where do I drag this shame from and how deep does it go? Can I just decide not to feel ashamed and then it would all go away or do I need to find the root cause?  I dunno. I don't feel like endless conversations about it right now are the way to go, but perhaps some self-reflect...

 ... I used to look into my father's eyes. But I can't anymore. Today marks 5 years of my Dad's death anniversary. I look back now to see how much the world changed, and more importantly, how much I changed. I couldn't bring myself to write another blog post in 3 months, even though I kept telling my dear friend, who is my biggest blog-fan, that I would. He and I had a conversation on a topic I really wanted to write about, sometime in February, but I couldn't really figure it out until today, well, tonight all clicked. All the events from the past 3 months connected in my mind, and here we go. Two weeks ago a guy jumped from our office building. The miracle of it was that he didn't fall on anyone, as it was lunch time and many people were coming in and out of the building. He jump right next to the entrance. I was sitting 30 meters away with my colleagues and we were just about to return to the office, when another colleague warned us of what had happened just ...

...but this too shall pass Let's start with the lyrics this time: " Things change fast  But this too shall pass Better carve it on your forehead Or tattoo it on your ass Cause who can tell When the clock strikes twelve If today's become tomorrow Or if it's all just gone to hell My friend makes rings She swirls and sings She's a mystic in the sense That she's still mystified by things But scared to ask How can nothing seem to l ast Cause like a cancer in your body It all just goes too fast We think too big We think our self is one whole thing And we claim that this collection Has a name and is a being But deep inside When every cell divides Well, it sets upon the rule that states Self-interest is divine Cancer, too Lives by this golden rule That you must do unto the others As the others unto you All for the best Cause that's all the life accepts And so we kill it like a buffalo With awe and with respect Don't ask God Just holler at the sky She'll tel...

 ...Something I noticed when the light was just right. It's strange how we can hear a song thousands times, and then one day, over 2 decades after the first listening hear it in a completely new way and feel like we're hearing it for the first time only now. Like a light bulb suddenly switched on and gave the song a totally new and different perspective.  This happened to me today with a very dear song to me, "Echo" by Incubus. I've always loved it but today it transformed me back to me, like I remembered who I was. And after that happened I heard the lyrics for the very first time, although I've known them by heart for over 20 years.  "My biggest fear will be the rescue of me". Yes, my biggest fear resulted in me rescuing myself, again. After I did it once in 2020, it returned this year to teach me the lesson once and for all, so I don't have to repeat it again. It is a very hard lesson to learn so I guess the lyrics "it reminded me twice t...

 ...just give me something to break. It's one of those days, or better yet, multiple of those days. They take me back to 2020. We all have our story from 2020, but here is mine. I started the year on anti-depressives after I had a mental break-down at the end of the previous year. The pills acted as a charger for my depleted battery, and they worked fine. It took a while to get used to them and after a few months I started getting better. I slept better, I ate better, I had enough energy to live my life again. But for me, balance was always the problem. I was either in a state of running from one place to another, trying to YOLO cuz of a very real FOMO, or I was mildly depressed not wanting to do anything or see anyone. Balance is a very fine line my friends, very fine. Balance was my problem in other aspects in my life as well. Hobbies, work, relationships, I was always all in or not interested at all. I don't know if balance is ever finally achieved or just a state of equilib...

Baby you hurt me, but I hurt no more. First of all, let me just say I really hope Haddaway finds you well on this fine Friday morning! And it's not like I rickrolled you. For now at least, so no promises! For a song with so little lyrics and so much  " Woah-woah-woah-woah " it does make you think, right? The original title of the post was supposed to be: What is love?...and can it be unconditional? But this is so much more efficient in making you sing that song in your head for the rest of the day, even though I changed it a little  (do tell me if I succeeded in my cruel intentions - ps, great film! :). I pose this question to you now, as it has been posed by a divorced woman in her 30s last Saturday after a really interesting therapeutic workshop I attended. And it is a good question indeed. So what is love and can it be unconditional? Is conditional love even love? What is a good way to love? Can we really call it love if we love wrong? What is right, what is wrong (si...